Venting!

You can NEVER go back home. In my wildest dreams, I never would have thought that I would be 28 and living back at my parents with a child and a husband. If someone would have told me this 10 years ago, hell even 5 years ago; I'd have laughed so hard and then told them they needed to be committed to a psych ward somewhere. Cliched, but so true. 10 years ago I thought I'd be a lawyer by now, just having gotten married and no kids. 5 years ago, I thought I'd be teaching with a child. Now, present day? I'm married and have a kid working at JCPenney living with my parents. Where did it all go wrong?

First mistake was leaving a stable job of teaching to accept the risky job of coaching in a small out in the back woods town. As much as I love some of the people that I met and coached, leaving my teaching job did not work out for the best. I met great people, but lost my independence when it all ended.

Second mistake was moving back home with my parents. I'm grateful for the place to stay, but this is not working. If not for my daughter, I'd have moved to a homeless shelter months ago. Suffice it to say, you can NEVER go back home. I'll leave it at that.

Third mistake was in thinking that with this whack economy I would be able to find another teaching job. I mean everyone needs teachers right? RIGHT and WRONG! Yes, they need teachers; but it's all about who you know. By the time a job is posted, they've more than likely already found someone they want to officially hire.

So, here I am stuck at home, at JCP, and going nowhere fast. The only reason I get up at this point in life and keep pushing and trying is because I have a daughter who deserves everything I can give her. She deserves it. If not for her, I don't know where I'd be. Probably, a runaway (can you still do that as an adult? lol). And although running away doesn't solve anything, at this point in time, that option is appealing.

Life is so crappy right now. I have all of these feelings inside that I keep bottled up because if I let go, I'd end up disrespecting quite a few people and burning quite a few bridges. If I let loose , I'd find myself homeless and it's not just about me; I've got to look out for my child. Right now, I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and quite frankly I don't think anyone really cares. The person who is supposed to care more than anyone (besides God) is out chasing their dreams, everyone else's concern is for my child. I'm happy that they all love her, but could someone at least pretend that they care about me?

My birthday was just 4 days ago. Want to know how I celebrated? Staying in the same pajamas that I had on the day before and cleaning. I didn't even comb my hair. I didn't go anywhere. Just cleaned. Way to ring in a birthday right?

I wish that I had done things differently. The only things that I'm grateful for as of right now is my child and my life. I tell you what though, the minute I get a better job, I'm holding on with all my might. I'm not moving or accepting any other job. When I leave this house, it'll be the LAST time I have to move back.